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i honestly started considering suicide this morning

i planned out buying a gun, driving into the ocala national forest, hiking a few miles in and ending my life

it just seemed so much easier to kill myself than to wake up everyday to a life that i hate where i'm constantly sad and alone

after a few hours, the thought kinda passed though

that was the first time i had ever, ever, ever thought about suicide

i decided to go to church tonight, hoping to find something there

i didn't find anything, other than people in their clicks - i had 1 guy come up and shake my hand

you'd think that it would be okay to be introverted in a church - you'd think that being completely new and having no one know you, people would want to welcome you into their house of worship

during the singing, all i could think about was how alone i am and how much easier it would be to kill myself

i actually sat down and cried for a few minutes in the church while everyone else was smiling and singing

i don't know what to do

Posted by msterling45 at 21:03 on November 5th, 2008 at 9:03PM (updated Nov 5th, 2008)

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msterling45	Posted on 10:15PM on Nov 5th, 2008 thank you for your support - i don't know what to do though; i know that i won't take meds, i've had people trying to feed them to me for months and i won't do it
glance	Posted on 10:18PM on Nov 5th, 2008 people dont always need meds... sometimes the heart thing is just something talking to someone can help... I bro had a counseler he used to talk to whenever everything got to be too much. He could walk in whenever he needed to and talk.. sometimes that is a bigger help then silly meds... I am not sure what types of groups are available where you are, I am in canada after all, but there has to be something... look into it.. get into it... talking is a wicked healing balm..
msterling45	Posted on 10:19PM on Nov 5th, 2008 when i go out, i become extremely introverted - i didn't use to be like that - i feel anxious because i don't think i'm good enough that anyone would want to talk to me
glance	Posted on 10:23PM on Nov 5th, 2008 ooh never thought of that one Jessie... it could be "SAD" is playing havoc on you Msterling.. look into it.. increase your vitamin d intake (not pills if you dont want to but food enriched with vit D), look into light thearpy... A lot of people say it helps.. also, you have nothing to worry about... I enjoy talking to you, always have. You are one of the earliest friends I have on here... I wouldnt trade you.. sides... you put me onto Kamelot.. that makes you pretty awesome in my book :)
DelightfulBabe08	Posted on 10:26PM on Nov 5th, 2008 Maybe you are supposed to be alone while you sort yourself out, but that doesn't mean give up. Are you maybe feeling overwhelmed by what you see as your problems? Try taking it a step at a time, don't look at everything at once, focus on one thing that you know you can change now and do it. Having the accomplishment will help spur you on to the next step and you'll feel better about yourself. And for the record, I don't think you have that many things wrong with you. (((HUGS)))
Tate3	Posted on 11:16PM on Nov 5th, 2008 msterling, this is one of the most supportive, loving blog threads I have ever read...I agree, especially, with Tia and CC...please don't give up hope. As crazy as it might sound, you are, in a sense, in a fortunate position now where you have nothing to lose. You can do this. We are with you. Stay with us. Definitely consider that this may simply be a low point, (either a physiological issue or psychological issue, or a combo plate). Continue to explore your options here with us in this life. Those options are there, even if they are sometimes difficult to spot. Please know we love you. You have inherent worth.
HeWhoPleasures	Posted on 02:30PM on Nov 6th, 2008 I've been there. I know the feeling too well. I've even stood on the bridge. In the end, you know you have a purpose. If you really wanted to, you would have done it. Sharing here is a good start. You are obviously well-loved. Yes the hugs and physical closeness are important (and soooo ******* frustrating when it's not there) but trust me, it will come. Peace, brother. You are already OK.
CPAguy	Posted on 05:39PM on Nov 6th, 2008 Please seek help from a counselor. My wife has had boughts of depression during her treatment for bladder cancer in 1997 and breast cancer in 2006. Depression is usually caused by your brain missing some chemicals and when you obtain a medication that works for you, it is amazing how different you feel. Look at all of the outpouring of support you have received. Please seek help. There are also telephone hotlines that can help. Try another church also....I know protestant churches are better than catholics (based on my upbringing for 25 yrs in catholic church). I wish you the best. PM me if you like
glance	Posted on 06:00PM on Nov 6th, 2008 CPAguy, nice one.. thank you for adding that... Msterling, sometimes the right church takes time to find.. anything worth having is hard to get... but you will and we will be cheering for you once you are through this rough patch... never forget that... we are here when you need us.. as best we can...
msterling45	Posted on 06:01PM on Nov 6th, 2008 thank you, everyone
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